A holiday poem in the style of “How The Grinch Stole Christmas” by Dr. Seuss.
Every American on the Internet liked network neutrality a lot
But the FCC’s Grinchy Pai, former lawyer for Verizon, did not!
Pai hated net neutrality! He despised it, he dreaded it!
And on December 14th, he and his cronies, they shredded it.
It could be, perhaps, that he wanted more dough.
ISPs could make more with lanes fast and lanes slow.
But whatever the reason, cash or prestige,
His choice pissed off subscribers by many degrees.
Americans cried out in anger and dismay!
“We like net neutrality! Don’t take it away!”
“It’s good for free speech and new businesses too! Selling, reporting, and artistic debut!
We need it for school kids who have tests to take.
We need it for far away doctors with prognoses to make.
We need it so businesses can hit the ground running.
We need it for working from home, for homework, for funning.
We need it to save money. To get good Internet service.
We don’t want ISPs to decide what to serve us.”
“You have market protection,” he said with a snort.
But ILSR elves proved there was nothing of the sort.
The elves showed very little, almost no competition.
But Grinchy Pai didn’t care for the net neutrality tradition.
He wouldn’t listen to pleas to stop and investigate.
Even millions of fake comments didn’t make him hesitate.
His planned to kill net neutrality completely.
His overlord ISPs would reward him so sweetly.
“Pooh-pooh to subscribers!” he was grinchily singing
In a video taunting us, our ears loudly ringing.
“Tough cookies for them! There’s nothing they can do!
They’ll complain and they’ll cry for a week or two!
Then subscribers will go back to what they always do!
“They’ll pay up the nose if the ISPs demand!
Companies will pay lots of cash for the fast lane of broadband!
“If Comcast streams a show that they want to do well
People will see it first, others can just go to hell!
“Verizon likes FOX News? That’s what subscribers get!
With no net neutrality, ISPs get to decide the media outlet!”
“Innovation? Bah! Creativity? Boo hoo!
I’ll pull off a telecommunications coup!”
So Grinchy Pai did as he vowed long ago.
He killed net neutrality with one swift blow.
With a gift of more power for Verizon and AT&T
And a card that said “Happy Holidays from Pai, Carr, and O’Rielly.”
But then Grinchy Pai heard a sound that started in low.
And as Grinchy Pai listened, it started to grow.
Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays
Network neutrality is our dream
Fahoo forays, dahoo dorays
We want a net that’s open and free
Welcome, welcome, fahoo ramus
Welcome, welcome, dahoo damus
Free and open like the sky
We won’t be stopped by Ajit Pai
Millions of communities P.O.ed by the decision
Came together to share their power and vision.
It started right away with planning and grassroots
Their next job, they realized, was to put on their boots.
Grinchy Pai, next, wanted to redefine broadband speeds
From 25/3 to 10/1, which just didn’t meet America’s needs.
He wanted satellite and mobile to be listed as broadband.
American’s said, “No way! This is getting out of hand!”
They met in coffeehouses, shared beer, and joined forces.
Locals harnessed the power of ten million horses.
Some ran for office while others built munis
Local folks realized they were powerfuls, not punies.
They won elections at the federal, state, and local level.
And tossed out that Grinchy Pai, the mean old devil.
They reversed his bad policies every last one.
They passed better ideas to fix the harm that he’d done.
The ISPs were surprised, they expected more congeniality.
After all, it was only network neutrality.
Comcast, Verizon, AT&T, and the rest
Decided net neutrality would be for the best.
Local communities and co-ops who built networks so fast
Went on to prosper with benefits that last.
States saw the wisdom and changed bad laws.
They took away Florida’s, they took away Utah’s.
Net neutrality was restored; Americans shared a collective hug.
And a sad little man cried into his giant Reeses mug.
“I was wrong to take net neutrality!” Grinchy Pai groaned,
“Now everybody knows the power of publicly owned!”